


Jonny’s Golden Quest; or, a Dramatic Interpretation of Heartbreak.

by NervousAsexual



Category: Jonny Quest
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Gen, complaining, it's a statement piece okay, mostly complaining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-15
Updated: 2016-02-15
Packaged: 2018-05-20 17:19:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6018223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NervousAsexual/pseuds/NervousAsexual
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>a brief skit detailing the many complaints about the "lost" second season of Jonny Quest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jonny’s Golden Quest; or, a Dramatic Interpretation of Heartbreak.

**Author's Note:**

> This probably won't make much sense if you haven't seen Jonny's Golden Quest. I would have been super stoked for the introduction of more female characters into the canon if Hanna-Barbara hadn't turned the whole franchise into unflavored oatmeal.

(The classic JQ quartet—Jonny, Hadji, Dr. Quest, and Race, are scuffling about in a jungle. Dr. Quest is holding out a video com. All gather around to stare into it)

Race: What is it, Dr. Quest? 

Quest: I don’t know, Race, but it seems to be molesting my parapower ray gun. I’ll just alert the guards... 

(Dr. Zin leaps out of the bushes and flings a tiny turu at them. The pteranadon grabs the video com and heads up into the sky)

Zin: Ahahahaha! You won’t foil my plan! Quest: Curse you, Zin, and your little... 

(Suddenly, there’s a crashing through the trees behind them)

Quest: Your plan, Zin?

Zin: Not mine. Race: Then who...? 

(Rachel Quest bursts out of the forest, brandishing a repeating sentimentality rifle. With her is Jessie, carrying a blandy mcGenericness cannon. They take aim at Dr. Quest)

Rachel: Join us, Benton. 

Jessie: Join us. 

Hadji: What are they? 

Rachel: We are the obligatory females.

Jessie: Obligatory. 

Rachel: Join us, as your colleagues have done already. 

Jessie: Join usss...

(Enter Jade from the brush. She is twisted and contorted, caught between suave ‘60s Jade and helpless Golden Quest-era Jade)

Race: My god, Jade. What have they done to you? 

Jade: Run... boys... before they get you too... 

Race: I can’t leave you like this. 

Zin: Er... I could...

Jade (with tears in her voice): Race? 

Race: Jade? 

Jade: Race... remember... remember that time I killed a leopard with a handgun? 

Race: I remember. 

Jade: That... was pretty bad-ass. 

(She falls to the ground, does a little convulsive twitching, then morphs completely into worthless Jade. At the same time, Rachel opens fire on Jonny, who falls)

Remaining Quest trio: Jonny!

Zin: My god. 

(Jonny sits up. He looks about dizzily, climbing to his feet. He spots his father)

Jonny: Dad?

Quest: Son? 

Jonny: You... you killed Mom.

Quest: Excuse me?

Jonny: It’s your fault she’s dead! You should have just shot him!

(Points at Zin, who jumps back defensively)

Zin: I had nothing to do with this! 

Quest: What are you talking about? She died at the hands of Russian agents! I wasn’t even in the room!

Jonny: That was never canon!

Quest: We implied it, goddammit. If we’d implied it any harder we’d be Scooby-jesus-doo.

(Jonny kicks him and runs to Rachel)

Jonny: Mom! Mom! 

Quest: That’s not your mother! I’ve never seen this woman before in my life!

Jonny: She is my mother! You just don’t love her! Or me! You don’t know how to love! 

Hadji: Dr. Quest! That gun... it’s loaded with ANGST!

(Rachel and Jessie aim their weapons at Quest)

Race: Dr. Quest, Hadji, run! 

(He flings himself in front of the guns as Quest, Jonny, and Zin flee. Race, struck, falls to the ground beside Jade in a flaily pile of ineffectual. Meanwhile, the trio crashes through the brush.)

Hadji: We’re all gonna die we’re all gonna die we’re all gonna die...

Quest: We won’t. 

(Suddenly a stray shot ricochets off the gem of Hadji’s turban as he looks back. The shot strikes Zin in the shoulder. He screams and stumbles)

Hadji: Nooo! 

(He tries to pull Zin along, but already normal Zin is transforming into ancient psycho apparently asthmatic Zin)

Zin: Help me... please help... I can’t... resist... urge to slaughter... my own minions... no good reason...

(He grabs Hadji’s arm)

Quest: Hadji!

Zin: The logic... the logic is fading...

(He is fully transformed into Golden Quest-era Zin, complete with lung problems. Dr. Quest grabs Hadji and begins hauling him along)

Hadji: Dr. Quest, no! We have to help him! 

Quest: Forget him, he’s lost. 

(They run on, but suddenly a cannon blast explodes a few feet from Hadji. He shrieks.)

Hadji: Something bit me! 

Quest: No... no... No! 

(He hauls Hadji up on his back and staggers on. Then a sentimentality bullet strikes him in the shoulder and he falls.)

Hadji: Dr. Quest! Dr. Quest, speak to me! 

(Quest coughs)

Quest: H-hadji? 

Hadji: Get up, Dr. Quest. You have to get up!

(He tries and fails)

Quest: We have to take the cyanide pills. 

Hadji: No. No!... Wait, you have cyanide pills? 

Quest: In case I ever fell into the hands of enemy agents. 

Hadji: You did that, like, thirty different times. 

Quest: That was then, this is now! It’s the only way. If we don’t do it now, it’s space next, Hadji, understand? We’ll have our own damn orbiting space station and I can’t go like that. We have to end this now. 

Hadji: But I want to live, Dr. Quest. I want to live.

Quest: You’ll be conducting goddamn Roman ghosts, Hadji. You’ll magic-gem them into attacking one villainous henchman, and then it’ll never be mentioned again. Can you live like that, Hadji? Can you?

Hadji: I... 

Quest: Answer me! 

Hadji: No. 

(Quest takes out two pills. They each crush one between their teeth)

Quest: I’m sorry it had to end this way, Hadji. 

Hadji: Me, too. 

(After a moment, Hadji stops moving)

Quest: I guess I’ll never know if there could have been a live action movie. 

 

(Pause)

Quest: Thank god. 

(He dies. After a moment Rachel and Jessie enter. Rachel kicks Quest’s foot)

Rachel: Well, bummer. He’s dead.

Jessie: Oh well. I got a better idea, anyway. Let’s do a live action Scooby-Doo movie and make Don Messick cry.

Rachel: What an idea!

Jessie: We’ll have to exchange our guns in for farting sound effects and bad CGI, but I think it’s a solid trade. 

Rachel: You’re simply brilliant, m’dear. 

Jessie: Why, thank you. 

(They link arms)

Rachel: So what do you think of the name Mary Jane?

(exit both)


End file.
